Haven’t posted in a while! Who cares! Going to Mexico! Hope I don’t die! UConn a week from tomorrow! Life rocks!

not amused with life today

#whitepeopleproblems #horriblecynicismproblems

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nedroidcomics:

E•N•E•M•I•E•S

chumbler and facebook better hook up, they’re my otp

Sound Check 1

I’m going to blog about albums now. I like listening to albums and I can derive meaning from them.

“Hail To The Thief” - Radiohead - 2003

Hail to the Thief, Radiohead’s sixth studio album released in 2003, was technically my first exposure to the band. I say “technically” only because the first RH song I heard was “Where I End And You Begin,” an absolutely fantastic gloom-rock showcase. I think I made up gloomrock. That’s probably not a word.

Anyway, I did end up getting a copy in my hands, and as I was deriving my fanhood from various internet sources, they told me to treat it as a piece of “meh” and to devote my Radiohead attention to The Bends and OK Computer, which wasn’t that bad of advice. Of course, people also say to avoid Pablo Honey like the plague, but I actually really enjoy it because it’s the band at their most raw and emotional, so I’m not a total hivemind idiot.

Thankfully, I’ve been coming back around to Hail recently, and it’s growing every time in my eyes (and ears, I guess that’d make more sense).

From what I understand, although I was a 12-year-old fat idiot at the time of its release, people didn’t like Hail because it was dark as all hell. Not a sparse darkness like Kid A, or the post-9/11 broken, floating feel of Amnesiac, but a human darkness. One that’s pissed off about the world and is sneering in its face.

Considering the times of its release, in which we’d entered Year Two of The Depressing Period Where Our Idiot President Is Sending Us To War And We Still Can’t Feel Safe, this is completely understandable, and in that context, the album’s all the better for it. There’s only one piece of the album, a stray line almost tossed off, that appears to be a direct reference to Bush- “You could be the President / and still know right from wrong” in Sail To The Moon- but the scary, post-post-9/11 period is well alive in the album. The title can be construed as a reference to our former President, but it can also be a direct attack at any and all corrupt authority.

The album hits a jarring juxtaposition between the two styles the band had hit before, the rock of Pablo and Bends combined with the electronic ambiance of Kid A and Amnesiac. If OK Computer is a blend of Bends and Kid A, Hail is the leftover gunk at the bottom of the blender. But that’s not a bad thing.

Most of the album’s tracks are directly confrontational, right in the listener’s face; “Punchup at a Wedding” is a barely-danceable mishmash of electronica and dark rock, while a companion piece, We Suck Young Blood, is almost a funeral march; a fifteen-second fury unleashes itself in the middle with a fantastic breakdown, but Yorke’s voice shines through, a vampire of death sucking life away and laughing about it.

The album’s a mix of sick anger (Myxomatosis, a rabid fever-dream), dark allegorical fantasy (Wolf at the Door), paranoid fear (There There), and nonsensical pain (2+2=5, Sit Down Stand Up). It’s a perfect confusion in the midst of the world’s biggest modern crisis since Kennedy and Castro were meters away from blowing each other to hell.

Through it all, though, is proof like no other of the blows the world had dealt itself and the ways the mind races in light of learning them; Scatterbrain is a slow, melodic, saddened song, filled with the pacing, rampaging, rapid thoughts one feels upon learning a secret they shouldn’t have. As Yorke sings- “Lightning fuse, powercut.”

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Aw yee

Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk

I actually walked into a bookstore and bought books for the first time in I don’t know how long on Saturday night, after Super 8. The first was obvious; the first in the ‘Game of Thrones’ series, as I’m really enjoying the series on HBO and I want to see how they stack against one another.

The other was David Sedaris’s “Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk,” which had been reduced to $10. I love Sedaris’s work and this seemed interesting. While it was short (coming in at just under 150 pages, large-font, including illustrations), it was very amusing.

Sedaris writes the book like a modern-day Aesop’s Fables collection. When I say “modern-day,” I’m talking about “aesops about the DMV, hair appointments, and Secret Santa.” They were so deliciously ironic, satirical and amusing that I might actually read one out and put it on the internet.

It was a worthy $10.

DJ Hero

DJ Hero is a game where you fake-DJ a remixed mashup of Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby” and MC Hammer’s “You Can’t Touch This” while mashing a button to make Flava Flav yell “YEAH BOYEE” over and over again.

It is a very fun game.

Stuck in a rut

This is quickly turning out to be a bland at best summer. Working 40 hours a week, 7am-330pm Monday to Friday, with a busted computer you can only use if you hook it up to a TV and no Gamefly subscription can do that.

I was really hoping I wouldn’t be stuck in the fucking rut I’m in right now, but that’s the way my cookie’s been crumbling. People have left, people have pissed me off and I’m severing from them for a while, and all of the others are only around once in a blue moon. Of course, when I’m going to bed at 10:30pm, a full three hours earlier than my night-owl habits at college, my entire life’s changing. All I know about this job: I’m making some hard-earned money, and I’m working hard. Most people my age are working McJobs or not at all. I’m cleaning large machinery every day in hot-as-balls warehouses.

Of course, I’m not exactly getting to unwind when I’m not working. I’m usually too exhausted to even think when I get off, and I have to guzzle water and/or Gatorade just to avoid a pounding headache. I get bouts of nausea from the lack of sleep I have too. I now understand the “a job that slowly kills you” line from No Surprises. And the usual summer vices aren’t safe for me to use yet, as my spidey-sense (also known as a heightened paranoia I’ve developed with an outright fear of punishment and authority figures) keeps tingling ever-so-slightly.

Weekends seem to be picking up soon, though; Amherst, Stamford, the 4th, Providence and Deer Tick, Harry Potter, a visit from the roomies, and The Decemberists are all coming up a few exits away. I just hope I don’t crash and burn before I get there.

"In my dream I was almost there
Then you pulled me aside and said you’re going nowhere
They say we are the chosen few
But we’re wasted
And that’s why we’re still waiting
On a number from the modern man
Maybe when you’re older you will understand
Why you don’t feel right
Why you can’t sleep at night now"

Arcade Fire - “Modern Man” - “The Suburbs (2010)” 

The one script I have written

I dug up an old script for ‘Cappella’ that I wrote last year. I actually think it might have been about a year ago today. Anyway, enjoy, and hopefully I don’t rape the HTML.

“Thriller”

Cappella Halloween Episode

“Thriller”

written by Joe

          SCENE 1

          OPEN IN THE LOUNGE (OR WHEREVER THE HANGOUT SPOT BECOMES IN

          SEASON 2). WAYLON AND MARK ARE TALKING. IT’S OCTOBER 30TH.

                              WAYLON

                    So before the Halloween party we’re

                    singing at tonight, Rachel said she

                    wanted to grab something for

                    dinner. I haven’t eaten anywhere

                    but the dining halls yet; do you

                    know anywhere good we could go?

                              MARK

                    Oh, yeah, dude. Take her to Senor

                    Pepe’s. Chicks love Mexican food,

                    they think burritos are sexy. You

                    can’t go wrong.

                              WAYLON

                    What do I do if she wants to hang

                    out after the festivities tonight?

                    I haven’t really hung out with

                    girls outside of the times at

                    church I-

                              MARK

                    (cuts off Waylon) Hey, man, it’s

                    Halloween. Come back to the room

                    and watch a scary movie or

                    something, she’ll be all over you

                    pretending to be scared, it can’t

                    go wrong.

          PHIL enters. He’s wearing *insert Halloween costume*. It is

          humorous.

                              PHIL

                    Hey guys, ready for the party

                    tonight? I’ll be swimming in chicks

                    with this baby after we sing

                    “Thriller.” I only spent $130 on

                    it, too!

                              MARK

                    Really? Because that makes you look

                    like a cross between a badger and

                    Gary Busey (edit insult for

                    whatever the costume ends up

                    being), which is pretty much the

                    opposite of attractive.

                              WAYLON

                    I have to concur with Mark here,

                    Phil. You look more like the evil

                    villain in a special-needs child’s

                    ghost story than someone who would

                    actually get women wearing that

                    costume.

                              PHIL

                         (angry, defensive)

                    You guys are just really jealous

                    you didn’t get a costume as awesome

                    as this! I call dibs on coming back

                    to the room tonight with a lady.

                    I’ll put a sock on the door.

                              MARK

                    Thanks for warning us, Phil. We

                    wouldn’t want to intrude on your

                    threesome with your hand and your

                    computer.

                              PHIL

                    Oh yeah? We’ll see, Mark. At least

                    I don’t always act incredulous

                    toward my friends’ actions. I bet

                    THAT’S attractive to the ladies.

          (PHIL storms out of the room)

          CREDITS: MMMBOP DAP BOP DOO BOP

          SCENE 2

          The whole gang is leaving a Halloween party. All of the

          characters are wearing Halloween costumes. Mark is wearing a

          husky dog costume, in honor of UConn spirit. He also appears

          to be in pain.)

                              WAYLON

                    Hey, Mark, what was up with that

                    one girl you were dancing with? I

                    saw you guys dancing one minute and

                    then suddenly she ran off.

                              MARK

                    I really don’t know what was up. I

                    used some stupid line about the

                    both of us being dressed as huskies

                    and she didn’t say much. Then when

                    we were dancing she freaked out,

                    bit me and ran out the door.

                              PHIL

                    I’ve gotten that reaction more than

                    once.

                              NICOLE

                    Mark, you sure you’re OK?

                              MARK

                         (acting shifty, glancing

                         around)

                    Actually, you guys don’t mind if I

                    split off and run back to the

                    dorms, right? I’ve got a really bad

                    stomachache, and I need to get back

                    there, before… you know…

                              BRIE

                    Mark, you don’t need to ask

                    permission to go to the bathroom. I

                    think we’ll be fine.

          MARK turns and leaves the group quickly, suspiciously and

          randomly through the woods. No one bats an eye.

                              RACHEL

                    Actually, me and Waylon are gonna

                    split too. We have plans, he’s

                    going to help me…

                         (made up on the spot)

                     deloft my bed.

                              WAYLON

                    What? You didn’t tell me about this

                    until now! And why are we going to

                    deloft your bed at 1:30AM on a

                    Saturday night? I’ve had almost two

                    beers, this is really not a good

                    time!

                              RACHEL

                    No, Waylon,

                         (nudges him hard in the ribs)

                    we DID talk about this, you just

                    weren’t LISTENING.

                         (grabs onto him lustily)

                    I need a BIG, STRONG MAN to help

                    me, I can’t do it by myself.

                              WAYLON

                    But Rachel, I need to get up early

                    tomorrow to study for my

                    study-guide-making test!

                              RACHEL

                         (completely disregarding

                         everything Waylon just said)

                    OK, guys, see you later! Happy

                    Halloween!

          RACHEL drags Waylon off onto a path. Once again, no one bats

          an eye.

                              PHIL

                    What did you guys think of the

                    party?

                              BRIE

                    It was pretty fun. Sorry about your

                    costume.

                              PHIL

                    I don’t get it. I was thinking

                    *Phil’s costume* was going to be a

                    massive hit with the ladies! Did

                    YOU like it?

                              BRIE

                    Um… no. No I did not. Actually,

                    it’s one of the worst ideas I’ve

                    heard of in a long, long time.

                              JULIUS

                    Really, Brie? I thought it was

                    pretty funny myself, I mean I

                    wouldn’t think girls would line up

                    to meet a guy wearing it, but it’s

                    good for a giggle.

                              PHIL

                    Thanks, Julius. I wish it could

                    have been good for a giggle… if you

                    know what I mean.

          BRIE and JULIUS groan and roll their eyes, all sympathy

          JULIUS was showing is gone.

                              BRIE

                    So how about Rachel and Waylon,

                    huh? I’m a little sad that I didn’t

                    get to him first.

                              PHIL

                    Hey, Brie, it’s OK. You’ve still

                    got me. You can cry on my shoulder

                    anytime.

                              BRIE

                    Aw, thanks, Phil, that’s really

                    sweet of you-

                              PHIL

                    And then we can do some stuff

                    that’ll REALLY make you cry! Tears

                    of joy! Because we’ll be having

                    sexual relations!

                              BRIE

                    Phil, I’d tell you to watch it, but

                    the things you just said are so far

                    past watching it that I’m just

                    going to ignore you for the rest of

                    the night.

          SCENE 3

          RACHEL and WAYLON are in RACHEL’S ROOM/WAYLON’S

          ROOM/WHATEVER ROOM IS CONVENIENT FOR FILMING. WE CAN WORK

          THE PLOT AROUND THIS.

                              RACHEL

                    Tonight’s been great, Waylon. The

                    party was really fun, and how did

                    you know I love the burritos at

                    Senor Pepe’s?

                              WAYLON

                    I guess I just had a hunch.

                              RACHEL

                         (Obviously coming onto the

                         perpetually-oblivious WAYLON)

                    I’m happy I have such a good friend

                    who gets me, like you, Waylon. And

                    it’s a plus that you’re so ruggedly

                    handsome, too. What do you think we

                    should watch for a movie?

          WAYLON looks at a list of the best-rated horror movies he

          printed off IMDB.

                              WAYLON

                    Well, considering that it’s All

                    Hallows Eve, we should watch a

                    scary movie. How about… “The

                    Exorcist”?

                              RACHEL

                    Yeah, that’s a good one. Works for

                    me, start it up.

          WAYLON downloads and plays it, or gets a DVD, or finds it on

          Netflix Instant Stream, or whatever’s convenient to film.

                                                         FADE OUT

                FADE BACK IN, TITLE CARD READS “30 MINUTES LATER”

          The film has progressed to Father Karras’s daydream about

          his mother. RACHEL’S hanging on WAYLON’S arm, while WAYLON

          is engrossed in the film. RACHEL moves closer to WAYLON, and

          he doesn’t notice. Just as she touches him, Captain Howdy

          comes up on the screen, and WAYLON jumps up and screams at

          the top of his lungs. (The top of his lungs is a

          high-pitched girly shriek.)

          In layman’s terms for people who haven’t seen The Exorcist:

          The movie’s 30 minutes in. RACHEL starts to make a move

          while WAYLON is watching the film. In the scene they’re

          watching for a split second a demonic face pops up on the

          screen just as RACHEL makes her move. WAYLON jumps and

          screams like a girl.

                              WAYLON

                    I can’t stand this movie! It’s the

                    scariest thing I’ve seen since…

                    *fill in your own joke! I’m burnt

                    out!* I’m sorry Rachel, I need to

                    go or I’ll be going to hell! That’s

                    what my pastor told me about scary

                    movies!

          WAYLON leaves the room quickly, leaving RACHEL by herself.

                              RACHEL

                    Why did I fall for this guy again?

          RACHEL puts on Top Gun, begins to watch and forget WAYLON

          for a bit.

          SCENE 4

          PHIL and JULIUS are walking around. It’s pretty obvious

          they’ve been doing something that we can’t really show any

          references to. Suddenly, they hear a loud sound and a yell

          near them.

                              JULIUS

                    Dude, did you hear that?

                              PHIL

                    Yeah, I did! I have no idea what it

                    was! We’d better go check it out,

                    maybe some Playboy models’ car

                    won’t start or something!

                              JULIUS

                    I’m going to let that one slide,

                    but please, Phil, you’re a college

                    student. Be smarter, OK?

          The two come around the side of the building to find MARK in

          a position insinuating that he’s dead. For foreshadowing, he

          could be in some sort of sleeping-dog position; otherwise,

          sprawled out with a look of pain on his face.

                              PHIL

                    Holy crap, it’s Mark! What

                    happened?

          PHIL picks up MARK’S arm, as if to check for a pulse, but

          instead shakes it around. PHIL laughs like a child. PHIL

          then hits MARK in the head with his own hand.

                              PHIL

                    Why are you hitting yourself? He

                    he!

                              JULIUS

                    Phil, stop it!

          JULIUS checks out MARK, sees if he’s breathing. He’s not!

                              JULIUS

                    Oh my god… Mark’s… dead! Or in a

                    very deep coma! But probably the

                    first one!

                              PHIL

                    What happened? Was he… murdered?

                              JULIUS

                    Considering it’s Halloween, I’m

                    going to have to guess that that’s

                    the correct answer and completely

                    ignore all others. Why did it have

                    to be Mark? He was a great guy, he

                    cared so much… actually, a little

                    too much sometimes if you ask me…

                    now that I think about it, he was

                    pretty freaking creepy sometimes,

                    he was asking where I was twice a

                    day at some points…

                              PHIL

                    We need to call the cops or

                    something! Our friend is dead!

                              JULIUS

                    Don’t you get it, Phil? He’s dead,

                    and we’re the first ones to stumble

                    on the body! The first responder is

                    always the first to get arrested!

                    Do you really want to spend THREE,

                    maybe even FOUR HOURS in custody

                    before they let us go? I can’t go

                    to prison, I’m weak! They’ll pass

                    me around like a Pokémon card in

                    there!

                              PHIL

                    So, it looks like… we’re going to

                    be detectives?

                              JULIUS

                    You know it! Phil and Julius in…

                    The Case of the Murdered Mark!

          The two share an epic high-five then begin to search for

          clues. In the background, an ominous shadow watches. It is

          quickly made completely obvious that this figure is PAN

          FLUTE GUY, as he walks into view and waves to them before

          realizing that A) they can’t see him and B) he’s supposed to

          be the villain. He dashes back into the shadow.

          SCENE 5

          It’s a few hours after Waylon left Rachel to be alone. He’s

          terrified, eyes open wide. He grabs his phone and calls

          Rachel, who is watching crappy TV at 4AM.

                              WAYLON

                    Hey, Rachel? I can’t sleep. I’m

                    really scared right now.

                              RACHEL

                    I can’t sleep either.

                              WAYLON

                    Um, do you want to hang out for a

                    little while? I don’t want to lie

                    here all night. The last time I was

                    this scared, I woke up in a puddle

                    of… um, water.

                              RACHEL

                         (failing to mask her

                         happiness)

                    Yeah, Waylon, head on over.

          WAYLON, relieved, hops out of bed and heads over. The two

          sit together and watch crappy TV together before eventually

          falling asleep (completely non-sexually) together.

          SCENE 6

          It is the next day around noon. PHIL and JULIUS are at the

          Student Union.

                              JULIUS

                    So, Phil, what clues have you found

                    so far?

                              PHIL

                    Well, Mark’s body had a few

                    scratches on it, so I can only

                    assume he was killed by getting

                    scratched with a poison stick. I’ve

                    checked a lot of sticks but no dice

                    so far. What about you?

                              JULIUS

                         (sees Wendy’s right next to

                         them)

                    Hm… I think I just got a lead!

                    Hey Phil, could you lend me 3

                    bucks?

                              PHIL

                    Of course, man, here you go.

          JULIUS takes PHIL’S money and buys a Frosty at Wendy’s. He

          then walks back, eating it.

                              PHIL

                    What’s the big lead you just found?

          JULIUS angrily gestures to him while eating that he’s

          working on it and shouldn’t be disturbed. PHIL understands

          and gives him a few minutes. JULIUS finishes the Frosty.

                              PHIL

                    What did you find out?

                              JULIUS

                    It was a dead end. Come on, let’s

                    keep looking. It could be anyone on

                    this campus of tens of thousands of

                    people, or it could be one of the 7

                    people we know. Let’s ask Brie if

                    she’s seen anything.

          SCENE 8

          We move to BRIE’S room. PHIL knocks on BRIE’S door. She

          opens it.

                              BRIE

                    Hey guys, what’s up?

                              PHIL

                    Actually, Brie, we have some

                    terrible news. We found Mark dead a

                    few hours ago. He was murdered and

                    we’re looking for information. Have

                    you seen anything peculiar?

                              BRIE

                    Oh my God… Mark’s… dead? Wait, one

                    of my residents died on my watch?

                    Oh crap. OH, CRAP. Phil, Julius,

                    will you give me about two minutes?

                    I’m definitely not going to shirk

                    my responsibilities as an RA and

                    pack my things while running to a

                    motel in Willimantic where I can

                    stay for a few days until this all

                    blows over.

                              PHIL AND JULIUS

                    Yeah, sure, we’ll give you a few

                    minutes.

          PHIL and JULIUS spend time searching the halls, looking away

          from Brie, as she quickly and quietly leaves her room with a

          bag, wearing a hat/sunglasses combo, and runs down the hall

          to the stairs and out of the scene. Before she goes, she

          calls 911 and tells the responder about a murder. When she

          realizes they can hear her, she runs off. The two don’t

          notice her leave.

                              PHIL

                    All this sleuthing is making me

                    bored. Want to go play Xbox for a

                    little while?

                              JULIUS

                    Yeah, all of our sleuthing is

                    giving me a headache. Let’s take a

                    break.

          SCENE 9

          PHIL and JULIUS are in the roomplaying Guitar Hero.

                              NARRATOR OF GUITAR HERO AD

                    And keep in tune, rockers, because

                    2011 is bringing a bunch of awesome

                    Heroes to the mix, including Creed

                    Hero, Nickleback Hero and the

                    long-awaited Pan Flute Hero sequel,

                    Pan Flute Hero 2: Pan Flute With A

                    Vengeance!

          PHIL and JULIUS slowly look at each other with a face full

          of fear and realization.

                              BOTH

                    PAN FLUTE GUY’S THE KILLER!

          The duo dash away to find PAN FLUTE GUY.

          SCENE 10

          The two track down PAN FLUTE GUY in a corner of the Student

          Union and corner him.

                              PHIL

                    Hey, Pan Flute Guy! Did you kill

                    Mark?

                              PAN FLUTE GUY

                    So, you fools finally figured it

                    out, hm? *Keith gets an epic

                    monologue explaining that why and

                    how he’s killed Mark and that he’s

                    going to kill them too. He pulls

                    out a *weapon*. Keith improvs most

                    of this because he’s fucking

                    awesome at it.

                              PHIL AND JULIUS

                    OH MY GOD! RUN!

          SCENE 11

          Musical Montage of the Episode: “Thriller” plays as JULIUS

          and PHIL try to escape from PAN FLUTE GUY who fully intends

          to kill them until dead. Insert humor here. Eventually, the

          two run to wherever RACHEL and WAYLON are, both of whom have

          fallen asleep. They wake up upon their screams and their

          first sight upon waking is PFG with a weapon in the room.

          They too yell, until…

          MARK enters the room, fully unscathed, fully alive, still

          wearing his Halloween costume.

                              MARK

                    Whoa, guys, what’s going on here?

                              EVERYONE

                    Mark! You’re not murdered!

                              MARK

                    Yeah, I’m not… wait, what?

                    Someone murdered me?

                              PHIL

                    Yeah, dude, somebody killed you

                    last night, we found your corpse

                    and we’ve been searching for your

                    killer since!

                              MARK

                    Uh huh…

                         (worriedly stalls)

                    Oh, THAT murder! Haha, I, um,

                    pranked you! Yeah, PFG and I

                    pranked you for Halloween!

          PFG is completely baffled and terrified that MARK is not as

          dead as he used to be.

                              PAN FLUTE GUY

                         (slowly putting away his

                         weapon)

                    Um, yeah, haha, it was good, right?

                    We got you good? Heh?

                              WAYLON

                    OK, so if you are not deceased,

                    then where were you all this time,

                    and how did they find your lifeless

                    body outside a few hours ago?

          SCENE 12

          As RACHEL and WAYLON left the TV on in the room while they

          slept, it’s still on, and suddenly Channel 9 News comes on.

                              CHANNEL 9 NEWS ANCHORMAN

                    Welcome to Live Sexy Action News.

                    Our top story is full of action and

                    news, and depending on any kinks

                    you might have, could be a little

                    sexy too.

                              CHANNEL 9 NEWS ANCHORLADY

                    Sometime last night, a student

                    visiting UConn from Syracuse was

                    brutally killed by what witnesses

                    say was a large beast. We now go to

                    our reporter on the beat for more.

                              CHANNEL 9 BEAT REPORTER

                    Thanks, you sexy professionals.

                    Around 4AM last night, a student

                    from Syracuse

                    University visiting a friend for the weekend was

                    walking back to campus on Hunting

                    Lodge Road, when apparently a large

                    beast leapt out from the woods and

                    brutally ripped out his throat. Now

                    that is action packed. We have

                    reports from eye-witnesses who

                    appear to have seen the whole

                    thing.

                              WITNESS 1

                    Well, my friend came down because

                    he wanted to spend Halloween on a

                    real campus, and we were just

                    leaving a party. This thing ran out

                    of the woods and up to us. It kind

                    of looked like Jonathan The Husky,

                    but instead of high-fiving us and

                    giving us free T-shirts, he saw my

                    friend’s Orangemen sweatshirt and

                    promptly chewed his throat off. He

                    then turned to me, and when I was

                    expecting the worst, growled “Do

                    you think the men’s team can get

                    back to the tournament this year?”

                    before sprinting back off into the

                    woods. It. Was. AWESOME!

                              WITNESS 2

                    Some dudes in front of me got

                    attacked by this were-husky thing

                    that came out of the woods. It was

                    completely naked, dude, and then it

                    killed a guy and got covered in

                    blood, and then it growled “UConn!”

                    before it left and everyone who was

                    around yelled “Huskies!” I mean, I

                    was high as fuck at the time, but

                    that’s what happened. I think.

                              CHANNEL 9 NEWS ANCHORLADY

                    Well, there we have it. A large

                    furry is apparently killing

                    students from rival UConn schools.

                    We have new reports just in; the

                    police department are calling it an

                    accident, quoted as saying “Eh, he

                    went to Syracuse, he can go fuck

                    himself,” and the student was taken

                    to the infirmary where he died from

                    his injuries after being neglected

                    by everyone there.

                              CHANNEL 9 NEWS ANCHORMAN

                    Coming up after this sexy break, we

                    look into the food served at

                    Buckley. Is the Soylent Green

                    they’ve begun serving really

                    people, or is it fake people? We’ll

                    let you know in a minute.

          SCENE 13

          The gang all slowly look at Mark. He’s dressed like a husky,

          and there’s a were-husky running around… it’s kind of

          obvious he’s the campus terror. Just as the group makes

          moves to either run away or fight him, the door opens.

                              ANDREW’S SECURITY GUY

                    Hey, we’ve got a report of someone

                    calling in a fake 911 murder report

                    a few hours ago, and it was traced

                    to someone in this building- wait,

                    it was you! *points to Waylon* You

                    dirtbag! Stop being such a

                    dangerous individual or I’ll make

                    sure you spend the rest of your

                    life in jail!

          ANDREW carts off WAYLON and has to peel RACHEL off him.

                              JULIUS

                    Wow, Waylon’s really coming off the

                    rails since he got here last year.

                    I think he’s going a little crazy

                    after being homeschooled for so

                    long. I’m worried about him.

                              MARK

                    So, no one remembers that thing on

                    the news, right?

                              PHIL

                    You mean about the Soylent Green?

                    Come on, it’s Buckley, of course

                    it’s fake people.

                              MARK

                    Oh, yeah, that. I’m sure it’s fake.

          All the characters walk out of the room, MARK leaves last.

          As he passes, he looks toward the camera, with the glowing

          yellow eyes from the end of the Thriller video. Freeze-frame

          and fade to black as the laugh from the video plays.